Memoirs of Hysteria-Drunk Philosophy

Steven Erikson’s philosophizing is most of the time thought provoking, although its weird how he has some average grunt soldier expounding upon some crazy shit. What follows here is not supposed to make sense. It’s exactly what happens when an extremely drunk person tries to be deep. Sometimes there’s a tiny bit of truth, but the rest, well, oh boy.


“Why,” asked the sufficiently inebriated village idiot, “do they always come in threes? I don’t understand it. Did the gods and goddesses all sit down at some elaborately carved and overtly gold encrusted and jeweled dinner table and come up with some universal rule?”

His drinking partner, a lad with considerably more active brain cells, stared at the ceiling, prepared for the philosophical ramblings that only a true drunkard came up with.

“I’ll tell you how it went, yes, I will. You see, there were all the pantheon having one of their monthly Godling meetings, right. And then one of them young gods just had to go and ask the question of how many people it took to cause the world changing events. And the Creator, well he became all excited and went overboard with making these rules. I tell ya, this is exactly how the conversation went:

“(The Creator nodded his head, allknowinglingly. That’s a word, damnit, don’t look at me like that) ‘Alright, since you’ve asked, my young friend, today we will determine the amount of people needed to cause sufficient change in the world.

(The young godling smiled optimistically). ‘For the better?’

‘No, for the worse.’

‘That’s not what I really meant when I suggested the topic…’

‘Bah, peaceful is boring! I need strife, turmoil and sweet, sweet suffering. Happiness is overrated.’

‘Um, I see your point, I guess. Can we approve the number needed to make the world a peaceful place though? Just in case your idea, slim may its chances be, causes some irreversible damage and everything ceases to exist.’

‘You’re not going to let this be, are you?’


(A booming sigh). ‘Fine. One person can bring the world back to its proper balance.’


‘But, only after they have been brought down to their lowest, suffered terribly, and have sacrificed everything they cared deeply for.’

‘That’s a bit extreme-‘

‘No more out of you! Your suggestion has been accepted.’

‘Who made you the boss?’

‘I did. I created everything.’

(A godling from the peanut gallery chips in). ‘He’s not wrong.’

(The young godling looks around the room for any support). ‘Death, do you not care about the severity of which He suggests?’


‘Oh. Does anyone here care?’

(The silence dominates the room).

(The Creator smirks). ‘Are you done with this whole caring about the well being of life and the world?’

‘It would appear so.’

‘Excellent! So back to this rule of three’s.’

‘Oh that’s the number we’re going with?’

‘Yes, stop interrupting. There shall be One who leads, One who is subservient, but only because they are given the freedom to fulfill all their whims and desires, while the last One is not given the choice to follow. This last One shall be able to choose to betray the One who leads if offered the opportunity.’

‘Wait, does that last part not defeat the purpose of having them together to end existence?’

‘It makes things interesting. Who knows what will occur?’

‘Can this third be the one who saves the world?’

(A thoughtful expression crosses the Creator’s face). ‘Why…Yes, possibly. I am taking a shine to this train of thought.’

‘But then you’re contradicting that your goal is for bad things to happen.’

(The Creator carries on, oblivious to the young god). ‘Or, this third, in betraying the One who leads, could be the combustion necessary to cause even more terrible acts then what would happen if the first were allowed to succeed.’

‘I didn’t suggest-‘

‘This wildcard makes everything much more interesting. Will the world be saved from disaster because of betrayal? Will trust be forsaken for individual gain? Will life as they know it take a sudden nosedive into the embodiment of evil?’

‘I thought people prayed to you to make things better. To save lives? For a world with no suffering?’

‘It’s not my fault for their misconceptions. They wrote their holy book. I didn’t.’

‘You’ve never corrected them.’

‘And they don’t blame me when everything goes to shit. Why would I?’

‘You are a horrible Creator.’

‘I create. There is no universal law that what I create is for positive or negative outcomes.’

‘I assumed…’

(Hiccup, Right here is where the Creator gets all superior God and begins yelling and pounding the tabletop). ‘That’s the problem with all of you junior godlings! You’re a millennia old, yet think you know as much as the one who brought all of everything into being, including you. Assume nothing. I am the One Power. I do as I want.’

‘Clearly, you do. What if this trio were to come for you?’

‘Intriguing scenario. Let them come.’

‘What? Would this rule not guarantee you ceasing to exist? Is that not the biggest threat to your world? One without a Creator?’

‘I’m bored of making all the decisions-‘

‘You literally will not let anyone who sits in the pantheon make a decision.’

‘I said, I’m bored of making all the decisions. I would welcome this challenge.’ (Here the Creator wears a nasty grin). ‘Besides, by this rule of three that we all have agreed upon, all I would need to do to end the threat would be to offer the One who has not been given a choice to follow personal gain. I mean what mortal would turn down a place at this table.’

‘You wouldn’t.’

‘Have you met a believer among them who would say no to their God?’”

“…and that’s where the rule of three came from. And let me tell you, that is exactly how the Autumn Goddess went from a street rat to running her own season.” The village idiot took a long pull of his ale to parch his dry throat.

His drinking partner blinked once, twice. “You’re insane.”

“Am I? Whatever happened to the sorceress who caught the thieving girl in her abode under the ground? Story goes the sorceress chained the girl, made her into a living magical experiment. They also say she had a red monkey as a pet too. I heard the sorceress had a personal vendetta against the Creator after he swindled his way into being intimate with her. She went after the Creator with all the magic at her disposal, and a lot of scholars suggest she was a goddess in all but name. They theorize that she should of won. But…” The village idiot shrugged, a smug allknowing look upon his face.

“You’re suggesting that the Autumn Goddess, as a mortal, betrayed this sorceress, for a spot at this hypothetical table of the pantheon?”


“You’re drunk.”


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