Memoirs of Hysteria, Wherein a Cat Speaks Very Fast

Twin brown-furred caterpillars arch in perfect unison. Slowly, they lower themselves, excruciating minute movement by movement. These critters rest above two mismatched colored orbs, one a deep aquamarine, the other a foggy grey. These irises are currently deeply focused upon a checkers board carved from rich mahogany wood, its precious ivory black and ebony white pieces splayed out across its surface.

Across from the man with the bushy eyebrows and unalike eyes sitting in his overly cushioned seat, rests a white furred tabby cat upon a black, straight backed wooden chair, this constructed of oak. The cat’s back is riddled with purple spots of fur. A yawn dominates its tiny face, before this is replaced by a blank blue sky stare.

The cat tilts it head to the side, sitting at a forty five degree angle. Its word spill out in a jumble. “Areyougonnadosomethingorwhat?!”

Lordling Antoine Lua continues to stare upon the playing field. He replies not.


The aforementioned eyebrows slowly rise along with the rest of Antoine’s profile. “I will have you know that I spend two hours every morning, an hour in the afternoon, and three hours before I sleep grooming these beautiful specimens.”


“Hysteria faces no such chaos! Although had I an advisor to assist me, this wonderful land of our dear Emperor of Flowers would clearly flourish!” The lordling snatches up a piece of parchment with his itinerary upon it, something he had clearly forgotten to read. “Why, if I had such a person to help me guide this glorious protectorate of ours, an age so golden would begin that it would go-What are you doing?”

“Uhnothing. Couldyoucontinuecrumplingthatpaperthough?”

Antoine stares at the ruined itinerary in his hand. “What? Like this?”

Crinkle crinkle crinkle.


A bristled caterpillar slowly stands. It’s twin flattens even further. “You, Annie, are a very odd cat.”

Annie hisses, and spits. “DIDISAYTOSTOP?”

Antoine jumps to his feet and tosses the paper to the floor. “I’VE NO TIME FOR THIS! I’ve a protectorate to well, um, protect!”

The iron door to Antoine’s office slams open. In strides a soldier. Her armour shines ridiculously bright in what little light reflects off of it. She stands no more then 5 feet, and if one were to catch a glance under the metal, an inch of fat they would not find anywhere upon this soldier.

Knight Captain Roas instills utter terror in Lordling Antoine.

The Lordling sits instantly back in his seat. “I do not have a protectorate to protect. I forgot I have this important document to read, and reply to! Im searching for a new advisor, I’ll have you know!”

“ATTENTION.” The Knight Captain’s booming voice sends Annie scurrying out the office’s window. Her lung capacity would put a wailing infant to shame.

“I will not be doing any circuits of the city this day, Knight Captain! You’ve had me run no less than ten laps a day! Madness! No more!”

Roas snaps a crisp salute. “You will so, sir! The exertion shall keep your heart pumping much longer than those other’s who lounge around each day, milord! But that is not why I am here!”

Antoine warily glances at the knight. “Oh? Then why are you reporting to me, Knight Captain?”

“A travelling woman, accompanied by a monkey with red fur who rides a black cloud and a manservant with of a fist of iron has arrived at the keep’s gate. They seem quite normal, nothing out of the ordinary. The woman says she’s here to offer her words of wisdom to you, as an advisor.”

“Excellent! Take me to her!”

“Of course, milord. After you do twenty circuits of the city!”

Antoine sputters. “Twenty?”

“Yes, Lord. I informed the lady that you were partaking in your daily twenty laps of the encircling walls. We cannot have our guests thinking we are lazy here in Hysteria!”


“No ‘buts’, sir! ATTENTION!”

The Lord of Hysteria takes off through the door, rabbit-like. His Knight Captain swiftly follows after him.

Annie pokes her furry face back into the room. Hop, skip and jump, the feline lands upon all four feet, for that is what happens everytime a cat takes to the air and allows gravity to catch up. She pokes her nose around the floor of the office, until she finds what she’s looking for…

Crinkle crinkle crinkle.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s